When I Saw Heaven

It has been almost one year, and I still thank God. I thank Him every single day for letting me live to see another day on this earth. Yes, I do often wonder where I am going, I do struggle as I aim to move forward. But even when I fall to the floor, hitting rock bottom, I am reminded... Reminded of what God asked me to do here on His Earth. Reminded that He is always with me, and that He will continue to pick me up whenever I may fall down on this road of the life He has given me.

As I laid in bed, about an hour before brain surgery #2 (the removal of Left Temporal and Occipital) my family came to me. They came to me to pray and make sure that I felt alright and wasn't worried. There were thousands of people praying for me all over the world. From fans, to family, to churches and prayer groups. That is what made this morning so profound... After each day of being afraid, I was at this calm stage of peace. I felt like my body was afloat and as if a million hands laid on me for prayer and protection. I wasn't scared and I felt nothing but joy. The nurses asked me if I had taken pain killers or drugs because I felt so happy that early in the day! (About 5:45 AM) I told the nurses and my family that I was ready to go, no matter what happened. I told them that I was not afraid and that I could feel God and his angels all around me in my bed. I felt loved ones whom had passed with me to fight. But little did I know, I would actually get to see them during my brain surgery, only a few hours away...

~ ~ ~ 

I was moving into a place I had not seen before... I would say walking, but it just isn't the right word... It was like floating yet walking all at once. I could feel my body, but it made the regular healthy body here on earth feel like a pain to carry. I was not heavy at all. I could go forward, back, and side to side with ease. Without my mind having to tell my feet or my legs to move. No sore knees or stiffened joints. No difficulty with my lower back. No pain, whatsoever. 

I chose to move forward as something called me with a language I did not know here on earth. The sound of blessed instruments that I had heard only a few times in my life when God came to me during my seizures. Except this time it was more bold and beautiful. Making me crave what was in front of me in a spiritual way. This music fit my spirit like a puzzle piece, bringing me joy, love, and safety amongst so many other feelings I cannot describe as they do not exist on Earth.  

I started to hear the heavenly voice of my tio Alfred, whom had passed away a few months before my surgery. I saw him right in front of me, with his palm out to me. Many of us call him the father of our family, as his heart was so strong with The Lord and we could run to him for prayer. We were so sad when he passed away from cancer. We all needed him so much and I often questioned where he was or where I would go if I died during surgery. I needed him so much to help me get through brain surgery, and he was dead... Or so I thought, at the time. Because there, in Heaven, he was more alive than ever. His skin color was beautiful. Like a skin color I had never seen. He glistened in a way that was peaceful and joyful and his body praised The Lord. He stood with one arm out to me, palm side up. Letting me know to continue walking toward him.

I continued walking down the beautiful path, with Tio Alfred leading me by my side. I was in awe at how young he looked. His skin was clear and healthy like the skin of an infant... Except was a beautiful color, which let me know health was no longer an issue. I found myself in awe of the beauty that was in front of me and all around me. The beautiful land that made Earth appear to be boring and worthless. I could see Mountains to the left, with beautiful land like no other I had seen. Green healthy plants covered a lot of the land, and it amazed me how it was so healthy. I hadn't even come to the gate yet and I could see this from so far away!

I saw the buildings made of a gold material. Beautiful... And when people ask me what they looked like, the word "riches" comes to mind. God does have a beautiful place for us to go. The glistening of these buildings captured my eyes. So large and glorious, built with perfection. The lovely color of the sky that was not a color I had ever seen. Reminded me of a purple but is definitely not purple. Maybe it reminded me of purple only because that is an important color to me personally?  I just remember identifying a color similar to one that I knew, and purple was the one. The sight of these new colors alone had me in awe. Colors that once did not exist. I long to see them once more. 

I could see the gate from afar... The actual gate! It is real! Just like The Bible said! Made of a beautiful, very tall, cream-colored stone material... Like a pearl, but very large and stone. Polished well and glistening like the sun. The brilliance and depth of the color of the stone was beyond this world. But it let me know where I really was, and I was not even touching it yet. Seeing things from afar in heaven was easy, as my eyes were not weak and distance did not matter. I could move with ease, and time nor space could hold me where I was.

As I saw grandpa Popsi I first questioned who he was because it was such a young man.... Yet somehow I knew it was my old Popsi. I only knew Popsi when he was very old, and I had honestly never seen him when he was young. So I was curious how it was happening... How was I recognizing this young man in front of me whom I never knew at that specific age? I never even knew his voice as a child because he was so sick. When he was alive, I only heard him speak a few times. Other times he would just write to my family on a piece of paper or point to what he needed. So how is it that I knew him and could recognize him so young? He spoke in the same music that Tio Alfred spoke in. Yet somehow he laid the knowledge on me of who he was. Therefore I knew I was looking at my Popsi. This was truly amazing.

Tio Alfred and grandpa Popsi both walked with me and spoke to me. My Tio told me what to tell our family and what to tell Tia Mary. (Tia, by the way, was not going to come be with me for surgery even though I begged her. I spoke aloud in my room asking Tio to please change her mind, and only minutes later she called saying she was coming to be with me!) Tio Alfred told me to tell Tia that he would always love her, and the same for his children. He also asked me to tell the family to be happy for he is in Heaven with The Lord and that he was no longer sick or in pain. This love amazed me more than it ever had before. But when Tio told me he was expecting me, and knew he would see me before I was in heaven, my mind was blown. Before he died, he whispered to me during a prayer at his dinner table saying "You and I will be going through something very hard together soon." And when I asked him what it was, he never replied. This is what he spoke of and it was yet another miracle on it's own. 

Popsi told me something that you would think would shock me; He told me that grandma Jojo would be with him soon. My father and I take care of Jojo regularly, so the thought of losing her is a little sad. But knowing she would be with Popsi and get to be somewhere so beautiful does not make me sad at all. It makes me so happy for her. Popsi told me to tell Jojo that he loves her and is in heaven waiting for her. As Popsi spoke I noticed how jolly and young he really truly was. How handsome and healthy. But how young!!! That was the most amazing to me!!!

Ever since I was little I was slightly scared of heaven. The Christian songs mentioning how we would "fall to our knees" or become "unable to speak" sounded so awful in my mind. But it took me until I was outside of the beautiful gates of Heaven to realize how amazing it really is to fall to our knees and become speechless. As Tio, Popsi and I came to the gate The Lord spoke. His voice more powerful and beautiful than all the others. More instruments than you could ever imagine played with his every word. Technically they weren't even words and were that music alone... I just somehow knew what He was saying as I fell to my knees in grace.

God told my Tio Alfred and grandpa Popsi to hold each of my arms. Tio Alfred grabbed my left arm, and Popsi grabbed my right arm. He said it was "Not yet my time". This made me sad, yet at the same time I was enjoying God's voice and it's beauty. The Lord appeared in front of me in an instant. The way he travelled was amazing, and as He spoke, He moved me with Him to see what He spoke of. I begged Him to let me stay and go through the gate. He reminded me of those whom I love, such as my mum and dad, and Rafael. But even then, I begged to stay. It was amazing - I wanted to give up everything I loved in life to stay in Heaven. 

Why? Heaven was all I needed. No hunger or thirst or pain. My body moved freely and music left my mouth. I praised God with every word. What was the best? Well, I could see my Father's body up to his bottom lip. He would not allow me to see the rest of His face for some reason... Or maybe I was not fully equipped to see it? I will never know until I return to heaven when I die. Regardless, it was pure joy, and nothing but. For that unexplainable beauty, joy, and peace, I continued to beg even more.

God once again told me that I could not stay. He told me about my work to do here on His earth and He told me to help those suffering like I am, and to bring them to Him. He showed me my future children. He showed me their creation right in front of my eyes. Not the creation the Earth and humans see, but the heavenly creation. I saw a small baby grow from the womb to a human filled with God's Holy Spirit. This baby was a boy and had the features of my love, Rafael. I remember seeing this child have his father's eyes and skin. I asked if God was showing me Rafael as a baby boy. I did not understand what I was being shown. And then God spoke, saying this was one of my children. It was so beautiful to see, and although I wanted to stay in heaven, I did want to hold my child so badly in my arms. I felt the love of a mother seep into me, making me long to hold a child some day. And with this thought, God put his hand in my head and told me "Your time has not come. Go back to Earth and help those who suffer the way I have helped you. You no longer have anything to fear about your illness, for I am with you." 

With a light press on my head, God pushed me back into my body and I woke up in my hospital bed. I hadn't waken up for a little too long and my family and doctors were worried. The worries of me being brain dead and non-responsive burdened them, for they did not want to lose their child. But there I was! finally waking up. I felt earth once again and saw my uncle Steve and aunt Lina by my side. But I felt my body breathing, and the aches and pain of my head. So I closed my eyes to sleep. For I was alive again, and pain was proof. But I laid calm knowing God was by my side all along, and forever will be. 

~ ~ ~ 

The entire experience of seeing Heaven was far beyond amazing. I did my best to explain it decently to you, and I apologize if I didn't explain it well enough. Feel free to leave questions in the comments and I can answer them for you. 

As far as the update on my health, I have only had a small handful of seizures this year. In my mind they are gone. I have, however, started having Panic Attacks, as you may know from my last post while I suffered from a small one. Most of them last for quite a long time. Almost an hour, and are very difficult to deal with. But God has been with me through so much that I can not lose faith in Him now. I will say that now that my seizures are gone, I realized how beautiful so many of them truly were. Seeing those colorful auras is the gift that I miss. But God only gives us gifts for so long here on Earth, and I look forward to those that come in heaven after I walk through that gate.

How to Pray for Your Loved One with Epilepsy

James 5:14-15 "Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to PRAY over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up."

Epilepsy is a tricky illness to have, and extremely unfortunate because of that. I don't even need to tell you all that fact, because I'm positive you already know. First of all, it is an invisible illness for the most part, meaning that it cannot be seen by simply looking at someone (unless, of course, they are having a seizure while you are looking at them). Secondly, it currently has no cure for  many people (30% and growing). If surgery isn't an option for you, or medications don't work, your heart breaks not knowing what to do. Third of all, Epilepsy isn't always able to be pinpointed to a specific area of the brain, making treatment almost impossible. If doctors don't know where the seizures are coming from, they don't know how to treat you. All they can do is hand you medication and hope for the best... And that's all you can do.

...Or is it?

How Your Positivity Benefits Your Loved One's Health

Before we get into prayer and how important it is to have for your loved one who suffers from Epilepsy, I want to talk about positivity. Not only should your loved one be positive, but you should be positive for your loved one. If you find yourself saying "John hasn't been healthy at all lately. He's getting way worse." your child, in this example "John" will truly feel and think that he is getting worse. This can push John to become stressed, depressed, and negative.

I came across this great article called "A Mother's Positivity Helps Her Child to Overcome a Mental Illness". Now, I don't see Epilepsy as a mental illness, so take note that this study was done with mothers whom had children with Schizophrenia - not Epilepsy. However, it is an equally frightening illness and the conclusion of this study are amazing.  

Methodology

• The study was conducted over a period of 18 months on 129 mothers (55 years or older) of adult children with schizophrenia. Mothers completed an in-home interview and a questionnaire. Their children, who agreed to participate, also answered the questionnaire.
• There were three appraisals: A self-appraisal (how the mentally ill person perceives himself),  a mother’s appraisal (how a mother perceives her mentally ill child) and reflected appraisal (how a mentally ill person thinks about how his mother perceives him).
• 22 items (for each of the appraisals) were recorded on a 7-point scale, with higher numbers indicating more stigmatized appraisals.
• Life satisfaction was assessed using 22 items on a 7-point scale (1- terrible to 7 – delighted). The participants rated their perceptions about living arrangements, social relationships, leisure activities, finances, employment, safety, and health.
• Self-efficacy score was measured by the average score on an 8-item scale. The items were coded on a 1 to 4 scale with higher numbers indicating a greater degree of self-efficacy.

Data/Results/Key findings

• Increased symptoms were associated with increased stigmatized mothers’ appraisals, and stigmatized reflected appraisals. (The patients whose mothers were more negative, and saw their children to be more ill had children with worse symptoms.)
• Increased life satisfaction levels were noted with less stigmatized mothers’ appraisals and less stigmatized reflected appraisals. (Mothers who had more positive views on life satisfaction with their children had less negative self appraisals and reflected appraisals.)
• Life satisfaction levels had a significant effect on the self-appraisals.
• Higher self-efficacy was seen with less stigmatized mothers’ appraisals and less stigmatized reflected appraisals. The effect of self-efficacy on stigmatized self-appraisals was very significant. (Mothers whom had a more positive outlook on themselves and their lives had a higher self-efficacy, also known as the ability to hold perseverance and reach goals with both themselves and their sick children.)

Conclusion

Less stigmatized mothers’ and reflected appraisals results in diminished symptoms, higher self-satisfaction and a better quality of life in mentally ill persons. Self-efficacy and life satisfaction levels are influenced by stigmatized self-appraisals. Stigmatized self-conceptions lead to a sense of lack of control, and social exclusion which leads to diminished life quality. These results suggest that the recovery process is a social-psychological process and stigmatized appraisals slow recovery from mental illness. What other people think about mentally ill persons affect the beliefs and actions of the mentally ill, which in turn shapes the outcome of the recovery process.

Read more at FYI Living: http://www.fyiliving.com/research/a-mothers-positivity-helps-her-child-to-overcome-mental-illness/#ixzz25isOnj3v

Coming from a patient with Epilepsy (myself), I can easily agree with this study in many ways. I have noticed on my own that I seem to be more self-efficient and less symptomatic when my family and/or loved ones are more supportive and have positive attitudes toward me and toward the idea of me having Epilepsy. During days when their attitudes are negative toward me or toward my illness, not only do I find my own attitude turning negative with theirs, but I also feel a major amount of stress due to those thoughts, resulting in a higher seizure count (not to mention, more severe seizures). Stress is the #1 trigger of seizures, and negativity is what brings it on.

We want to keep in mind that this study was only done with mothers and their children, so we must imagine how other people play a role in their loved one's lives. This includes fathers, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, best friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives and soon-to-be's. Especially if a person is closer to their (example) husband compared to their mother. If you see yourself as someone your loved one relies on most, they need to see this positivity from you more than anyone. They attitude you hold with a loved one who has Epilepsy can make or break their day.

So how can we be positive with the ones we love more often?

- Avoid unnecessary fights or arguments: Yes, maybe your daughter didn't throw in the laundry this morning. I'm sure to any parent, this looks like pure indolence. But if I might say that I personally put down all activities until that feeling of "Oh no, a seizure is coming any minute now!" goes away. Because even the slightest exertion of force on a dish or a basket of laundry can bring it out. Try to understand that things aren't always what they seem to be. Instead of immediately yelling, ask how they are feeling. "Mandy, are you feeling okay today? I noticed you hadn't done the laundry and I was worried maybe you're not feeling too well." If they're not feeling well they will tell you, and you avoided stressing them out with yelling. If they feel okay they will notice your kindness and will probably say "Oh crap, I forgot! Sorry mum!".

- Be as positive as possible about the state of their illness, especially after a seizure: We all know seizures "look bad". They are terrifying to watch, and even more terrifying to have. However, the last thing we want to hear when we've come out of a seizure is how bad it looked or how you had to rush out of work and miss an important meeting to take care of us. Or how you'll probably get fired for having to leave, or how we'll probably have to quit our own jobs, etc. Those statements make US feel bad. They make us feel like we are in the way of your life, and we should never have to feel that. We cannot help the fact that we have seizures and until there's a cure you should love us the way we are. I have seen how I cause my parents stress, and it has been all too easy for them to push the stress back on me. I can't even count the amount of times I've been yelled at for being sick, or have had hospital bills thrown in my face. Once again, the stress from hearing this causes more seizures which is never good for anyone.

- When the doctor gives bad news, give us good news: Doctors unfortunately have that sad responsibility of giving the bad news to their patients. If anyone else is like me, the stress from that bad news is enough to send us into seizures for days. When you are at that appointment with your loved one, or when you are meeting up with them afterward to talk about it, be their good news. You don't necessarily have to give "news," but at least be positive. Say something like "Yeah, well remember the last time he told you news like that and everything ended up okay?" or "You're in my prayers and God is going to take care of this mess." And be sure to remind us if the "bad news" is actually good news. For example, if we are getting brain surgery but we're so scared that it seems like bad news, remind us how successful so many people are from their brain surgeries. Don't let us forget that we are in this to find a cure.

- Don't let us give up on ourselves: When you hear "I give up. I just give up." or "I'm tired of this, I can't take it anymore." That is your que to jump in and be a best friend. Grab a $1.99 RedBox movie and some popcorn and put together a movie night, or just find some way to take our mind off of the sadness and the stress. I shouldn't have to mention it again, but this is so often overlooked - Stress is the #1 cause of MORE SEIZURES. We don't need ANY!

- Speak positively about us to others, both in front of us and away from us: Say only positive things. Tell others "Haley is doing a lot better than she was and I am happy to say that." even if Haley had a seizure a week ago. This gives Haley hope and a positive attitude. Imagine telling someone how sick Haley has been, and then having that person say "Hey Haley. I'm sorry to hear you're so sick. Your father told me all about it." Maybe Haley thought she was doing better? And now that she heard how sick she was, she will start to believe it.

All of that leads us to our next way to be positive, and in my family and my life it is the most important one. That is to pray for us. When people start to talk negatively about my illness or even mention my seizures, I usually stop them and say "Don't worry about it - Just pray for me. God has this under control." It's my little way of benefitting the both of us, and shutting up before the negativity even comes out of their mouths. Prayer is such a powerful tool in our lives, and it's FREE. Doesn't even cost $1.99 like that RedBox movie! The only problem is that so many people nowadays say they don't know were to start or even how to pray.

Psalm 107:18-22 "They couldn’t stand the thought of food, and they were knocking on death’s door. “LORD, help!” they cried in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He sent out his word and healed them, snatching them from the door of death. Let them praise the LORD for his great love and for the wonderful things he has done for them. Let them offer sacrifices of thanksgiving and sing joyfully about his glorious acts."

I used to laugh when people told me "I don't even know how to pray". I have always grown up in a home where we pray every single day when we wake up, before all of our meals, and before dinner. So praying, to me, is common sense and an everyday part of my life. And I guess I always assumed others did this as well, but I've found out throughout the years (especially this year) that people do not do this anymore. So I would like to take this time to give you a prayer I wrote last night that you can pray each day for your loved one who is ill with Epilepsy. You can pray this alone, or pray it together with them. Remember that the more people, the more powerful the prayer!

Matthew 18:20 "For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them."

Prayer for Your Loved One with Epilepsy

Dear Holy Father,

I come to You today, humbly and in love, to confess

Your Holy Word concerning the great power of Your healing.

Someone whom I love very much, (Enter Name of Loved One),

suffers from a terrible illness in which only You can heal.

Lord, You are the highest of the high, and no mountan

is too high for Your children to climb with You on their side.

It is written in Your Holy Word that Jesus Himself

took our infirmities and bore our sicknesses.

Therefore, Father, because I worship and reverence You,

I have the assurance of Your Holy Word that the angel of the Lord

encamps around (Enter Name of Loved One Here)

and delivers them from every evil work.

This sickness, also called Epilepsy, is NOT of your doing, Lord.

With this knowledge I know that no evil shall fall upon (Enter Name of Loved One),

and no more sickness shall be allowed into

(Enter Name of Loved One's) dwelling or place of rest.

Let the Holy Spirit abide in (Enter Name of Loved One),

and deliver them perfect soundness of mind and wholeness in body and spirit.

Touch (Enter Name of Loved One) with Your healing hand, Father.

Touch their brain, Lord, and restore it to perfect health.

Calm the pain (Enter Name of Loved One) feels and let it not return.

Remove these seizures from (Enter Name of Loved One's) body that torture them constantly.

Bless and heal (Enter Name of Loved One) from their brain,

all the way down to the marrow of their bones.

Restore them to perfect health so they may glorify Your Holy Name.

Please give myself and (Enter Name of Loved One) the gift of the Holy Spirit,

and bless both of our tongues so that we know what to pray for in Your Holy Name.

Let the Holy Spirit pray for both of us

and pray the words that our mouths cannot utter,

especially the cries of our hearts, Lord.

I thank You, Father, for the blessing of another day on this Earth.

I thank You, Lord, for all of my loved ones, especially (Enter Name of Loved One).

I thank You for giving me a mouth capable of this healing prayer

and I acknowledge that it is only because of You, Holy Father,

that this prayer has the ability to heal.

Thank You for blessing me with a heart that is capable of love, Lord,

and help me to continue to love as You wish me to love.

Thank You, my Lord and Savior, for Your divine healing of (Enter Name of Loved One)

and I forever hold fast to Your Holy Word.

Amen.

Praying in both hope and faith is important. Many people pray in hope that "maybe if God feels like it he will heal my son". But God really wants to see us pray in FAITH, knowing that He is God and that it shall be done. He tells us in Matthew 21:21 "Jesus replied, I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done."

People say they never see miracles anymore as much as they used to, or as much as they read about in the bible. The reason for this is simply because we are foolish people who live by sight. We have to "see it to believe it". However, when it comes to the Lord and his power, we must live by faith. In 2 Corinthians 5:7 we are told "We live by faith, not by sight." So follow the Word of the Lord and have faith that it will be done. Don't follow the ways of man by not believing miracles exist or that prayers are not always answered. 1 Corinthians 2:5 "So that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power." Show Him your strong faith in His Holy Word and He will show you the power of His gift, prayer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you for reading and be sure to enter this GIVEAWAY! I'm giving away 3 purple Positive Pins to help you remember to speak positively throughout the day! They are magnetic, clip onto your shirt, and won't leave holes or any of that nonsense - and these babies are strong, just like our Lord! They won't fall off!

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December - Season of Miracles (Long Blog)

Some say it's the month of miracles. Others say it's the season of giving. Maybe December is all about the holidays and spending time with family. Everyone has their different ideas of what December is all about, but here's mine.

My International Prayer for Epilepsy



Tiffany Kairos's International Prayer for Epilepsy on Facebook
http://www.facebook.com/internationalprayerforepilepsy

Here is my prayer, for the International Prayer for Epilepsy. Please bow your heads and join me in prayer, and let's prepare ourselves for a successful Epilepsy Awareness Month of 2011.