Brain Surgery - Yes or No?

Brain Surgery

Yes or No? That's the question, and it's a hard one. I mentioned far back in time that I was going to get brain surgery for my seizures. I chickened out, as some might say, and went with the option of getting a VNS implant. It has helped, but for some reason the seizures came crawling back and they are getting the best of me. I've decided that enough is enough.


I'm tired of the medication. I'm tired of the weight gain. I'm tired of the falling down, the disorientation, the memory loss, the hallucinations, the side effects, the depression... I think I deserve a normal life, just as everyone with Epilepsy does. Being a surgery candidate, I feel that I should take advantage of that title and try this form of treatment.

What's the problem? Well, my Epilepsy has been somewhat pinpointed in the Occipital and Temporal lobes. Unfortunately we're not talking midway, or on the surface - we're talking deep, deep, deep down inside. I'd be removing 1/4 or more of my brain, so to speak. According to the surgeon, he feels it's a risk I should take - but one I need to think about strongly, as there is a much, much higher risk of retardation, extreme memory loss, and even death.

It's far higher than most people with Epilepsy seeking to get this surgery, and it's almost as if I have a 50/50 chance. I guess that's technically the case. I risk losing my artistic abilities, my mathematical skills (which are already half gone), and even thinks like writing and memory. To me, it doesn't sound completely safe. But if the outcome is on the "good" 50/50 side, I could be free from so many things.

I could turn off my VNS and sing to a song in church again without having that 30 second pause where I have no voice. I could slowly get off this medication that has given me over 50 lbs. of weight gain. I could let go of the fear of falling down at work or with my friends/boyfriend. My parents could feel freedom for once, and not have to take care of me so much. My life could be changed entirely. I could even be an advocate to others wanting to make this decision.

I know this blog is a little pointless. I'm basically sharing my fears with you, rather than helpful information like I usually try to share. But I feel that I have a strong connection with so many of you that it's important for me to share these feelings. I pray for any of you out there are trying to make this decision as well, and I pray that God helps us come to our final decision. I pray that He clears our minds of all fear and any feelings that may block the path that we need to be on. I also pray that we have a successful outcome, whether we get surgery or not.

I love you all so very much. Just like brothers and sisters, every reader means so much to me. God bless you and sleep seizure free tonight.

- Mandy