It has been almost one year, and I still thank God. I thank Him every single day for letting me live to see another day on this earth. Yes, I do often wonder where I am going, I do struggle as I aim to move forward. But even when I fall to the floor, hitting rock bottom, I am reminded... Reminded of what God asked me to do here on His Earth. Reminded that He is always with me, and that He will continue to pick me up whenever I may fall down on this road of the life He has given me.
As I laid in bed, about an hour before brain surgery #2 (the removal of Left Temporal and Occipital) my family came to me. They came to me to pray and make sure that I felt alright and wasn't worried. There were thousands of people praying for me all over the world. From fans, to family, to churches and prayer groups. That is what made this morning so profound... After each day of being afraid, I was at this calm stage of peace. I felt like my body was afloat and as if a million hands laid on me for prayer and protection. I wasn't scared and I felt nothing but joy. The nurses asked me if I had taken pain killers or drugs because I felt so happy that early in the day! (About 5:45 AM) I told the nurses and my family that I was ready to go, no matter what happened. I told them that I was not afraid and that I could feel God and his angels all around me in my bed. I felt loved ones whom had passed with me to fight. But little did I know, I would actually get to see them during my brain surgery, only a few hours away...
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I was moving into a place I had not seen before... I would say walking, but it just isn't the right word... It was like floating yet walking all at once. I could feel my body, but it made the regular healthy body here on earth feel like a pain to carry. I was not heavy at all. I could go forward, back, and side to side with ease. Without my mind having to tell my feet or my legs to move. No sore knees or stiffened joints. No difficulty with my lower back. No pain, whatsoever.
I chose to move forward as something called me with a language I did not know here on earth. The sound of blessed instruments that I had heard only a few times in my life when God came to me during my seizures. Except this time it was more bold and beautiful. Making me crave what was in front of me in a spiritual way. This music fit my spirit like a puzzle piece, bringing me joy, love, and safety amongst so many other feelings I cannot describe as they do not exist on Earth.
I started to hear the heavenly voice of my tio Alfred, whom had passed away a few months before my surgery. I saw him right in front of me, with his palm out to me. Many of us call him the father of our family, as his heart was so strong with The Lord and we could run to him for prayer. We were so sad when he passed away from cancer. We all needed him so much and I often questioned where he was or where I would go if I died during surgery. I needed him so much to help me get through brain surgery, and he was dead... Or so I thought, at the time. Because there, in Heaven, he was more alive than ever. His skin color was beautiful. Like a skin color I had never seen. He glistened in a way that was peaceful and joyful and his body praised The Lord. He stood with one arm out to me, palm side up. Letting me know to continue walking toward him.
I continued walking down the beautiful path, with Tio Alfred leading me by my side. I was in awe at how young he looked. His skin was clear and healthy like the skin of an infant... Except was a beautiful color, which let me know health was no longer an issue. I found myself in awe of the beauty that was in front of me and all around me. The beautiful land that made Earth appear to be boring and worthless. I could see Mountains to the left, with beautiful land like no other I had seen. Green healthy plants covered a lot of the land, and it amazed me how it was so healthy. I hadn't even come to the gate yet and I could see this from so far away!
I saw the buildings made of a gold material. Beautiful... And when people ask me what they looked like, the word "riches" comes to mind. God does have a beautiful place for us to go. The glistening of these buildings captured my eyes. So large and glorious, built with perfection. The lovely color of the sky that was not a color I had ever seen. Reminded me of a purple but is definitely not purple. Maybe it reminded me of purple only because that is an important color to me personally? I just remember identifying a color similar to one that I knew, and purple was the one. The sight of these new colors alone had me in awe. Colors that once did not exist. I long to see them once more.
I could see the gate from afar... The actual gate! It is real! Just like The Bible said! Made of a beautiful, very tall, cream-colored stone material... Like a pearl, but very large and stone. Polished well and glistening like the sun. The brilliance and depth of the color of the stone was beyond this world. But it let me know where I really was, and I was not even touching it yet. Seeing things from afar in heaven was easy, as my eyes were not weak and distance did not matter. I could move with ease, and time nor space could hold me where I was.
As I saw grandpa Popsi I first questioned who he was because it was such a young man.... Yet somehow I knew it was my old Popsi. I only knew Popsi when he was very old, and I had honestly never seen him when he was young. So I was curious how it was happening... How was I recognizing this young man in front of me whom I never knew at that specific age? I never even knew his voice as a child because he was so sick. When he was alive, I only heard him speak a few times. Other times he would just write to my family on a piece of paper or point to what he needed. So how is it that I knew him and could recognize him so young? He spoke in the same music that Tio Alfred spoke in. Yet somehow he laid the knowledge on me of who he was. Therefore I knew I was looking at my Popsi. This was truly amazing.
Tio Alfred and grandpa Popsi both walked with me and spoke to me. My Tio told me what to tell our family and what to tell Tia Mary. (Tia, by the way, was not going to come be with me for surgery even though I begged her. I spoke aloud in my room asking Tio to please change her mind, and only minutes later she called saying she was coming to be with me!) Tio Alfred told me to tell Tia that he would always love her, and the same for his children. He also asked me to tell the family to be happy for he is in Heaven with The Lord and that he was no longer sick or in pain. This love amazed me more than it ever had before. But when Tio told me he was expecting me, and knew he would see me before I was in heaven, my mind was blown. Before he died, he whispered to me during a prayer at his dinner table saying "You and I will be going through something very hard together soon." And when I asked him what it was, he never replied. This is what he spoke of and it was yet another miracle on it's own.
Popsi told me something that you would think would shock me; He told me that grandma Jojo would be with him soon. My father and I take care of Jojo regularly, so the thought of losing her is a little sad. But knowing she would be with Popsi and get to be somewhere so beautiful does not make me sad at all. It makes me so happy for her. Popsi told me to tell Jojo that he loves her and is in heaven waiting for her. As Popsi spoke I noticed how jolly and young he really truly was. How handsome and healthy. But how young!!! That was the most amazing to me!!!
Ever since I was little I was slightly scared of heaven. The Christian songs mentioning how we would "fall to our knees" or become "unable to speak" sounded so awful in my mind. But it took me until I was outside of the beautiful gates of Heaven to realize how amazing it really is to fall to our knees and become speechless. As Tio, Popsi and I came to the gate The Lord spoke. His voice more powerful and beautiful than all the others. More instruments than you could ever imagine played with his every word. Technically they weren't even words and were that music alone... I just somehow knew what He was saying as I fell to my knees in grace.
God told my Tio Alfred and grandpa Popsi to hold each of my arms. Tio Alfred grabbed my left arm, and Popsi grabbed my right arm. He said it was "Not yet my time". This made me sad, yet at the same time I was enjoying God's voice and it's beauty. The Lord appeared in front of me in an instant. The way he travelled was amazing, and as He spoke, He moved me with Him to see what He spoke of. I begged Him to let me stay and go through the gate. He reminded me of those whom I love, such as my mum and dad, and Rafael. But even then, I begged to stay. It was amazing - I wanted to give up everything I loved in life to stay in Heaven.
Why? Heaven was all I needed. No hunger or thirst or pain. My body moved freely and music left my mouth. I praised God with every word. What was the best? Well, I could see my Father's body up to his bottom lip. He would not allow me to see the rest of His face for some reason... Or maybe I was not fully equipped to see it? I will never know until I return to heaven when I die. Regardless, it was pure joy, and nothing but. For that unexplainable beauty, joy, and peace, I continued to beg even more.
God once again told me that I could not stay. He told me about my work to do here on His earth and He told me to help those suffering like I am, and to bring them to Him. He showed me my future children. He showed me their creation right in front of my eyes. Not the creation the Earth and humans see, but the heavenly creation. I saw a small baby grow from the womb to a human filled with God's Holy Spirit. This baby was a boy and had the features of my love, Rafael. I remember seeing this child have his father's eyes and skin. I asked if God was showing me Rafael as a baby boy. I did not understand what I was being shown. And then God spoke, saying this was one of my children. It was so beautiful to see, and although I wanted to stay in heaven, I did want to hold my child so badly in my arms. I felt the love of a mother seep into me, making me long to hold a child some day. And with this thought, God put his hand in my head and told me "Your time has not come. Go back to Earth and help those who suffer the way I have helped you. You no longer have anything to fear about your illness, for I am with you."
With a light press on my head, God pushed me back into my body and I woke up in my hospital bed. I hadn't waken up for a little too long and my family and doctors were worried. The worries of me being brain dead and non-responsive burdened them, for they did not want to lose their child. But there I was! finally waking up. I felt earth once again and saw my uncle Steve and aunt Lina by my side. But I felt my body breathing, and the aches and pain of my head. So I closed my eyes to sleep. For I was alive again, and pain was proof. But I laid calm knowing God was by my side all along, and forever will be.
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The entire experience of seeing Heaven was far beyond amazing. I did my best to explain it decently to you, and I apologize if I didn't explain it well enough. Feel free to leave questions in the comments and I can answer them for you.
As far as the update on my health, I have only had a small handful of seizures this year. In my mind they are gone. I have, however, started having Panic Attacks, as you may know from my last post while I suffered from a small one. Most of them last for quite a long time. Almost an hour, and are very difficult to deal with. But God has been with me through so much that I can not lose faith in Him now. I will say that now that my seizures are gone, I realized how beautiful so many of them truly were. Seeing those colorful auras is the gift that I miss. But God only gives us gifts for so long here on Earth, and I look forward to those that come in heaven after I walk through that gate.
