Losing Myself in Order to Find Myself

   
                                           

      Over a year ago, I laid in my bed with my iPad, struggling to write a blog for all of my readers. Something that was once as easy as breathing, was the most difficult thing to do after my brain surgery in 2013. A surgery that took pieces of me that I still seek to find or somehow regain every day of my life. Here is what I had saved as a draft for all of you:

      “Hello, my beautiful Epilepsy Warriors. It feels like forever since I've spoken a single word to many of you. For that, I truly do apologize from the bottom of my heart. Life has been such a whirlwind these days. I will be 23 in April, finally back at work again, and attempting to figure out where I'm going in this life! A little lost at the moment, but I'm sure in time I will figure things out.

      Falling away from advocacy seems to be so easy when one is lucky enough to have stumbled upon successful treatment for the first time in their lives. For once, Epilepsy isn't their main issue. This is mainly what seems to have happened to me. Unlike before, I am not having 100+ seizures every day, and instead, one or two quite tiny ones a week. These seizures aren't big at all, and don't exactly fall under a specific type anymore. They last about 30 seconds max, occasionally coming in clusters for the entire day, and then they pass. For me, that is amazing! I could finally live without really having to think about this illness.
      However — ”

      ... And that’s where the blog had to be cut off. Where time seemed to have stopped as I  realized the truth about how I truly felt. Realizing how difficult it was for me to put both my feelings and my writing together. Pure frustration attempting to read and correct each sentence. The embarrassment of having to use Siri to read each sentence back to me in order to find my many spelling errors.
   
      I felt like a broken human. I suddenly began to hate my doctors and regret my choice of getting the brain surgery. Yes, my seizures were gone... but so was my life. A dear teacher and good friend of mine, Mrs. Mila one told me, “For every imperfection you have, God blesses you in return with a skill to make up for it. That is why you are the beautiful woman that you are.” I never believed her until I let the surgeon remove my imperfections, because I lost many of those beautiful skills for quite a while.

      Now, before this sounds like an entirely depressing and negative blog post, I want to reveal the upside to this story. Although it has taken me years to recover - involving constant medication changes, physical and mental therapy, and a daily life of trial and error - I would have to say that I have come quite far and developed bridges surpass the gaps that this surgery had left for me. And I realized that all is possible with persistence.

     I am now a Plasma Laboratory Technician for QualTex Laboratories, and it will be one year on the 18th of October. It is a full-time position that I pushed myself to gain and successfully follow-through with as it was something I could never do before the surgery, have all those seizures each day. So I do have to say that in that sense, I have come a very long way. It is a fast-paced job that requires multitasking, which seemed to be a weakness of mine for a while. But I do have to say, I think I’ve mastered it! I am now currently hoping to work with patients as a Patient Care Assistant, and considering finally finishing school.



     During my time working here, I had moved out from my home into an apartment with two of my best friends. I learned to pay my bills, use public transportation, and live life as a disabled human being. None of which was easy, but the lessons I learned in the process taught me so much about surviving on one’s own. So I no longer have a fear of the future and how I can take care of myself. I was careful with my spending and smart with my savings, but realized that after paying the bills - there wasn’t much left. So I decided to move back in with family to save up enough for living on my own again.

     Upon moving out, which was around October 2016, I also released news to loved ones and friends that wasn’t easy in any way. For years, I always questioned my sexuality. Even when I was with my previous partner that I often posted about, whom I loved dearly at the time. But after the brain surgery, for some reason I seemed to be more interested in dating women than men. I am still attracted to both, so I consider myself bisexual. Coming out itself was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do emotionally and spiritually. It’s against everything I was raised to believe, and broke the hearts of many that love me.




     The one thing that I have learned in the last few years is that in order to find yourself, you have to first lose yourself entirely. As difficult as it is, it’s something we all have to do. As hard as it has all been - from the illness prior to surgery, to the struggles of regaining stability after surgery, and dealing with the overall difficulties of life - it has made me the powerful woman that I am today. Each imperfection that we see is tied to a strength that we don’t see right away. So if you’re a post-brain surgery patient yourself, hang tight and you will see how intelligent and resourceful  the human brain really is. You will develop “short-cuts” and strengths that you never knew could exist! And if you’re still fighting those seizures, know that you are blessed with qualities to make up for what you see as imperfections. Don’t give up. It may take you 4 years like it has taken me, but you will return to your passion or find what your true passion really is.

    Sincerely,
EpilepsyBlogger