I don't know what to feel today or what to write. It's becoming more real than ever. I'm mad at everything and everyone for no reason. I cry every time I'm alone. I've broken down on my mother twice in front of everyone. I just want to scream and get all the energy and anger out of my body. But, instead I just sit here because I am afraid to look crazy, and I write. For some reason it's easier to write my feelings than to show them or talk about them aloud.
I know I'm being snappy and I'm sorry. I'm just so upset. Not to mention that I can't rest and enjoy life because my brother and sisters don't cook or clean. I wish someone would do it for me. But then that makes me selfish. Maybe I am selfish.
My tia, nana, and cousin arrived from Michigan today. I'm so happy to see them but my heart and my mind won't let me show it. It was so embarrassing to cry in front of them. I'm usually so strong. "The EpilepsyBlogger". The girl who kicks Epilepsy's ass and never sheds a tear. Hah. Not anymore.
My mother told me I technically go in to the hospital on the 20th, so I have 5 days to "enjoy" life at home. Still haven't started my period so I'll have to just get used to the fact that I'll be bleeding from more than one place in the hospital. Sorry for the gross details, but it's just what's on my mind. God, I'm crying all over my iPad screen.
I almost wish I'd have a seizure tonight, simply to knock me out of this mess.
Goodnight,
EpilepsyBlogger
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I wish I could just hug you! This is a very scary time in your life and you need to allow yourself to cry in front of others....You are not selfish for wanting help while you are feeling this way and if someone thinks your crazy for being emotional, screw them! Soon this will all be over and all the anxiety will dissapate.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I suppose it is just hard to be selfish when I'm always a person who enjoys giving. Your support is appreciated. Thank you!
DeleteJob 3:25-26 LORD I lift up Mandy Krzywonski deepest fears and ask you to deliver her from them. Set her free from all dread and anxiety about the things that frighten her. Thank you that in your presence all dread and anxiety is gone. thank you that in the midst of your perfect love, all fear in her is dissolved, you are greater then anything we face. LORD restore Mandy's health heal her wounds. Enlarge her faith in you and your name Lord so that Mandy can lay hold of the healing you paid for on the cross. Help us not to give up Praying until I see the healing you have for her Lord.
ReplyDeleteLORD teach me how to praying power and faith for the healing of others. Every time I pray for someone else, hear my prayer and answer by touching that person with your healing power. Show me LORD how to pray so that you can do a miracle, not only in my life but in the lives of others. AMEN
Poor you -- you're so stressed out! Maybe it would be nice to plan out little treats for yourself each day for the next five : a massage, a new book, a decadent treat, etc... It's so stressful what you are going through -- maybe rather than thinking about day six, you can enjoy each day up until that point (and maybe get your mind off of things for a bit...)
ReplyDeleteAnd don't worry about the tears... Your body needs to release it somehow... I'm sure your mother (and the rest of your family) understands...
You are a giver so you think needing something is selfish but it's not: when you give to others, you don't think of them as selfish, do you? Of course not... You're a good person and you're just stressed. Everyone understands.
Take care...
Thinking about you,
Wendy (Canada)
Been following your blog, and praying, and encouraging others to do the same.
ReplyDeleteI have a friend who had a lobectomy a few years ago. If you want to talk to her, I'd be happy to pass her info along.