Day #27

Today is day #27, and it's a crazy one. For the past few days I've been almost anticipating a seizure. My doctors have reduced my medication dosage by almost half, and I've never been on such a small amount of medication. The auras are coming by the dozen each hour, sometimes even more. I've been keeping my magnet close and using it when needed, so hopefully this is enough. Aside from all this fear, I've managed to spend three days at the Guadalupe river... a dangerous thing to do for an Epileptic. Deep water, rough rapids, sharp rocks... but I made it so far.
I spent all of last night and most of today having a completely pointless, but rough argument with my boyfriend. I don't even know why we started arguing in the first place. We've just been yelling over every little thing we can find to yell about. I don't understand why, because neither of us want to be yelling at each other. I've been so irritated since I've come off of the Seroquel, and it's just very hard for me not to get angry sometimes. It all started with a small joke that I took the wrong way... I find my mind telling myself not to get mad, but I can't control it. I wish I never got on this medicine to begin with, because now I have to have it or else I am such a monster sometimes. I love him so much as I just don't know what to do with myself right now. Our two year anniversary was this past Friday, the 28th of May. That whole day was amazing, and I don't know how everything went wrong. Part of me is just nervous to actually have been with someone for two years. Right now he doesn't want to talk to me at all and I feel like completely ruined everything. I don't know what is going to happen from here. I tried to make myself sleep to pass the time until he gets out of work and we can hopefully talk this over, but my mind is racing so fast that I just can't.

Aside from all of this stupid arguing with my boyfriend, I wanted to post something on today's blog about my #1 fan: My mother.


Today is her 44th birthday, and I couldn't be more proud to have her as my mother. She's always been right by my side since the day I was born. Ever since I started getting sick she's been even closer. I wouldn't have proper medical care without having her there to pay for it, and if it wasn't for her I would probably be dead right now. I see all the bills piled up at the end of each week and I wonder to myself, "how does she do it?". And it occurred to me that she is basically "Super-Mom"! I love her and I couldn't thank God enough for all the love that she has given me over the past 17 years of my life. I love you Mum, and happy birthday!

I'm really stressed out and I'm going to go downstairs and watch a movie with my mum since it's her birthday. I don't want to sleep my day away over a stupid argument. I'm just so scared that I may be going into another trench of depression and anxiety. I can tell it's coming back again and I don't know how to fight this alone.